Little known facts about me, via a dinky little chainletter questionaire:

1. What's one thing you wish you could do but can't?
I wish I had the ability to turn people into mutes by shouting the words "Shut the F**k Up!" And then I would laugh and mock them, as they panic not knowing why they can't speak. But later I'd feel bad for what I've done. So I'd treat myself to a can of condensed milk. That always cheers me up.

2. What time of the day do you like to take a sh*t?
When I'm at work and I know that there will be a high concentration of traffic in and out of the restroom. So that they, too, can enjoy the pleasant aromas that I have created.

3. What is your ideal marriage location?
Where ever my bride to be wishes, that selfish bitch.

4. Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
A trombone, so that I could keep referring to it as my "tromboner."

5. What's your favorite sexual position?
My head under her leg under my arm under her toe.

6. Favorite fabric?
Papsmear, like them sweaters everyone talks about.

7. Something you love and hate?
The movie City of Angels. Such a tragic love story. If only Meg Ryan paid more attention while riding her bike. Hello?! Where's your f**ken helmet ya retard?!

8. What kind of bedding do you use?
Silk, the same fabric I'd like to use if I wore underwear.

9. What kind of soap do you use?
Soap? Am I to believe that this is a real word? Yah, right.

10. Do you tell your friends about your sex life?
No. However, I am in the midst of releasing a collection of explicit illustrated chronicles depicting my sexual endeavors in website form. Memberships will start at $19.99/monthly.

11. What's the one language you want to learn?
Female.

12. How do you eat an apple?
Like a virgin holding his first tit, I hold it gently, caressing it with both hands, while nibbling the top of it for good measure.

13. What do you order at a bar?
Manly drinks, of course. Such as Shirley Temples and Rob Roys.

14. Have you ever pierced your body parts? If so, where?
I'd like to answer with a snappy retort, but body piercings are not a laughing matter. Except for this one time involving my glasses and a clit ring, but that's another story.

15. Do you have tattoos?
"Your Mother," soon to be on my arm.

16. Would you ever admit to having done plastic surgery of any kind if confronted?
I would have to be prepared to admit it since breasts on men are only common to the obese.

17. What's one of the "funnest" things you've ever done?
Throwing a potato sack full of kittens off a peer and into the ocean has got to be one of the funnest things I've ever done, with clothes on.

18. Do you drive stick?
Yes, and with a vengeance matched only by my rage.

19. What's one trait you hate in a person?
When a person uses the bathroom and, instead of washing their hands, they just run the water to simulate the effect of actually washing their hands. Though I do it myself, it just irritates me knowing that someone else is doing it.

20. What kind of watch(es) do you wear?
None. It's an excuse for me to ask women if they have the time. And as they answer, I interrupt them by adding, "...the time for some sweet lovin'?"

21. What's the soonest that you've slept with someone (or hypothetically)?
A few minutes, after some sweet lovin'.

22. Most frivolous purchase?
It's a toss up between my collection of iMac colored George Foreman Grills and the numerous self-help tapes and literature on how to get into the porn industry. My frequent calls to Miss Cleo, about when I'd make it into the porn industry, would be the runner-up.

23. Do you consider yourself materialistic?
If you consider accepting gifts and dinners, in exchange for sex, materialistic, then, by all means, call me materialistic. Just don't call me slutty.

24. What do you cook the best?
Sweet lovin'.

25. Favorite writing instrument?
All I can say is that it has the ability to write in snow.

26. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
My bulging biceps and rock hard pecks makes it difficult to blend in with the common folk.

27. Do you have anything monogrammed?
Mono-whatty?

28. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
Yes, but only beneath my accepted proper attire.

29. What's one car you will never buy?
Cars that run on biological material, such as baby seals. That's just wrong. Plus, baby seals are not indigenous to most parts and I'll end up running out of gas and having to take the bus, which runs on kittens.

30. Have you ever done drugs?
Only if you are referring to the natural highs of life, such as love and friendship.

31. What kind of books do you like to read?
When I'm sitting by a warm fire with a cup of hot cocoa, I enjoy reading the latest issue of Asian Sex Kittens. But when I'm taking a candle-lit bubble bath, the skies the limit.

32. If you won the lottery, what would you do first?
I would use my newfound wealth to charter a space shuttle, orbit the earth, drop my pants, and moon the whole world.

33. Burial or cremation?
I would rather be preserved in wax, in the nude, and brought out on special occasions.

34. How many online journals do you read regularly?
I'm not too fond of reading off the internet. Instead, I like to enjoy the many wonderful images I happen to stumble upon while surfing the web. Surprisingly enough, they are all of naked women.

35. What's one thing you're a sore loser at?
Gun fights.

36. If you don't like a person, how do you show it?
With my finger (i.e. the middle one).

37. How many drinks before you're tipsy?
One, if you are referring to tipsy meaning "easy."

38. Favorite kind of porn?
Covered in butter and served hot. Wait, I seem to have misread the question. I thought it said "corn." In any case, I stand by my initial answer.

39. Do you have problems changing clothes in front of friends?
Moonlighting as a male stripper has erased any modesty issues that I might have once had.

40. Do you cry in front of friends?
I have never heard of a macho, studly, hunk of a man crying in front of his friends. So, yes, I do.

41. What kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
Sexy, mysterious, and fun in the sack.

42. What's one thing you like to do alone?
Why? What have you heard?!

43. What's the worst thing you ever said to someone?
"You look great."

44. Are you a giver or a taker?
I give to take. Than I give it again, then I take it back. I then repeat said cycle until exhaustion or blackout.

45. What have you stolen before?
The hearts of many beautiful women.

46. When's the right time to go to the bathroom in front of your significant other?
When they ask you to show them that you really love them.

47. Favorite communication method?
Pointing with my lips and gesturing with my tongue, followed by a barrage of furious winking.

48. What is one thing you don't leave home without?
My underwear. No, wait, make that my keys. Definitely my keys.

49. How often do you think of sex?
As often as I think about having a career as a flight attendant just so I can ask people if they would like some salty nuts.

50. What's the most painful experience you've ever had?
Trying to fill a potato sack full of kittens.

Want to know more?

Contact:

eemoneygee@imtoosexy.com

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Copyright © 2003 Ramblings of an Exhausted Genius.